Monkey Butt

Yes, I know. Monkey butt is an odd title for a post. Just the same, it is a phrase you might want to remember the next time you get stuck in a loop when calling a support line or some other automated phone system.

Listen in as I show you what used to happen during a typical call to a help desk. I will use the McFlybinyte computer company... Here goes. I am dialing the number. It is ringing... Still ringing...

Machine: Thanks for calling the McFlybinyte help desk. For english, press or say 1. Para espanol, oprima 2.
Me: One.
Machine: To provide you with better support all or part of this call may be recorded for training purposes. Please listen to all of the choices on our menu as we have recently changed it just to annoy the hell out of you. For questions about installed software, press or say 1. For problems with your hardware, press or say 2. For assistance with setting up your new computer, press or say 3. To order missing parts, press or say 4. To find a McFlybinyte location near you, press or say 5. To hear this menu again, press or say 6.
Me: Four.
Machine: If the part was missing when you opened the carton containing your new computer, press or say 1. If the part used to be there, but has suddenly gone missing...
Me: One.
Machine: At the tone, please say the name of the missing part. BEEP.
Me: Keyboard.
Machine: Did you say, "monitor"?
Me: No.
Machine: Did you say, "printer cable"?
Me: No.
Machine: I'm sorry. I'm having trouble understanding what part you are missing. At the tone, please say the name of the missing part. BEEP.
Me: Keyboard.
Machine: Did you say, "scanner"?
Me: No.
Machine: Did you say, "floppy drive"?
Me: No.
Machine: I'm sorry. I'm having trouble understanding what part you are missing. At the tone, please say the name of the missing part. BEEP.
Me: Damn it, this is stupid!
Machine: Did you say, "hard drive"?
Me: No. Damn it!
Machine: Did you say, "mouse"?
Me: NO!!!!
Machine: I'm sorry. I seem to have trouble understanding your input. Please hold while I find someone who can help you. RING... RING... RING...
Voice on the line: Hello, this is Johnny. I am ready to help you with your problem. Please tell me your name and phone number.

Now, listen again as I demonstrate the use of the phrase "monkey butt":

I will use the McFlybinyte computer company help desk again... Here goes. I am dialing the number. It is ringing...
Machine: Thanks for calling the McFlybinyte help desk. For english, press or say 1. Para espanol, oprima 2.
Me: Monkey Butt.
Machine: I'm sorry. I did not understand you. For english, press or say 1. Para espanol, oprima 2.
Me: Monkey Butt.
Machine: I'm sorry. I seem to have trouble understanding your input. Please hold while I find someone who can help you. RING... RING... RING...
Voice on the line: Hello, this is Johnny. I am ready to help you with your problem. Please tell me your name and phone number.
Me: Jim, 555-5555.
Johnny: Thanks, Jim. How can I help you today?
Me: Well, Johnny, I didn't get a keyboard with my new computer.

This method works everytime. The companies all have this built in. Give it a try. Besides, it's just plain fun to say MONKEY BUTT!