Two Funny Stories

First, I want to share a funny story about my mom. Some of you have heard this one, but I've never documented it in writing, so here goes.

Back in the 1970s, probably 1977, I was a student at Southwest Texas State University. It isn't there anymore. Instead, there's a new university called Texas State in its place. It is a bit puzzling to some of us old SWTSU alumni because this new school keeps calling and asking for money. I always just say, "Sorry, I didn't go to Texas State!" and hang up the phone. Once, they even offered to send me a diploma from the new school for fifteen dollars. It sounded shady to me. Come on, a 15 dollar diploma without ever taking a single class? Anyway, I wandered way off track. I think it's this dang diet I'm on for the cruise I'm taking in a month. The point is, I was living in San Marcos.

One weekend I went to San Antonio to do my laundry and get money. Oh yeah- I was also there to visit my parents. :) When I walked in the door, my mother hollered from the dining room, "Oh, Jimmie, I'm so glad your here!" It made my heart swim a little to be so lovingly welcomed. Then she added, "Come help me".

When I entered the dining room, I found Mom sitting there surrounded by a stack of bills, sheets of paper, markers, pens, and pencils. She was obviously about to begin some kind of project. I asked her what I could do to help. Here is her answer, quoted verbatim. "There is a mistake on my Master Card bill. I have to send them a copy of it with the mistake circled. Should I make the copy in pencil or pen?" I stood there for a second, not sure what I was hearing. Then it dawned on me. Mom was going to draw a copy of her bill freehand! The poor thing was a housewife and had never even heard of a photocopier. She had no idea such a thing existed. I just about died laughing until I saw how upset she was getting. When I explained it to her, she laughed, too. But, I could tell she was embarrassed by the situation. I think that's what motivated her later in life to buy a computer and learn as much as she could about it.

Okay. Fair's fair. I don't want you to think that Mom was the only one capable of such funny things. My dad was, and is, a hoot. He is a very smart man. Both he and my mother always had more common sense than anyone I've ever met. Neither of them was college educated, but they watched the news and read the newspaper religiously. They could discuss any current event on the same level as Henry Kissinger. Just the same, Dad has done some of the out and out dumbest things I have ever seen. Unfortunately, I inherited that trait. For example, once I was showing Tom Macdonald, the library assistant at Carson, how my very expensive glasses had flexible frames. To prove the point I twisted them so much the dang things snapped in half, right at the nose bridge!!!

Anyway, back to dad. I have to tell you that my parents invented the concept of frugality. If you broke something that could be fixed with tape, that is what you did. They had all kinds of tricks for making things last longer. Let me give you two quick examples on the way to the story. Mom would add water to bottled products to get that last bit of stuff. She did this with shampoo and ketchup all the time. She added water, shook the hoohah out of them, and we used watered down stuff for another week or two. If we had holes in our shoes close to the end of the school year (we only got one pair of school shoes per year), Dad would trace our feet on a piece of heavy cardboard and make inserts so our feet didn't touch the ground through the holes.

Now, on to the story... Dad had to shine his boots every day when he was in the Air Force. He even let me do it for him a lot of the time. He used that Kiwi wax polish in the round container. When you were almost out of polish, you would have a ring of it around the edges and a big bare spot in the middle where you could see the bottom of the can. Dad used to save those rings up. Then he would put them in a pan, melt them on the stove, pour the liquid back in the can, and have an almost full container of polish. Personally, I think that was genius. It was like getting one can free for every four or five you bought!

Unfortunately, Dad's polish reclamation project went disastrously wrong one time. It was back when we were living on Elmendorf AFB in Alaska. Dad followed his normal routine, but decided to use a disposable pie tin, so he wouldn't have to clean out the pan after the procedure. He went to the kitchen cabinet and grabbed one of the many Mom had saved from store bought pies. He turned on the gas, lit the burner with that little clicking spark maker we used to have, and put the pan on the stove to melt the polish. Within seconds, the pan was engulfed in flames, and black grimy smoke was filling the whole house! Good old dad had used one of those pie tins with little holes in the bottom. I can still hear my Mom shouting at him to this day.

I have to admit that these stories worry me a little bit. They make me wonder which of my boneheaded disasters my boys will tell everyone about.