It does not compute!

First of all, please forgive me for allowing myself to throw this pity party. Writing has always been a good way for me to deal with feelings that I am unable to totally wrap my brain around. That's where I am today. Something has happened. Something awful has happened, and I find myself totally baffled by my inability to comprehend it and deal with it. I am almost fifty-five years old, but I have still not learned anything from my life experiences that is of any use to me at a time like this.

It all began on Wednesday, June 19^th. As you know from my last post, I was off enjoying a great camping trip at Kerrville Schreiner Park with my dog Nicky. You can read more about that in that last post, so I won't bother with the details of that, except to say that, due to Nicky's overdoing it on the trails, we were spending the afternoon locked up in the Colby T. Nicky was snoozing. I was bored out of my mind. I read a little. I napped a little. I watched the one channel I could get on TV a little. Then I got my phone and checked email. This message was waiting for me from my principal:

Please pray for Michelle Werland. She had some complications from a minor procedure and is in intensive care at N. Central Baptist...prayers are needed.

I wasn't concerned all that much. It didn't sound like anything major at that moment. I sent a prayer request to my church and said some prayers of my own for Michelle. Then, I returned to my boredom.

I walked Nicky around the campsite so he could do his business. I cooked and ate my dinner. I read a little. I watched the one channel I could get on TV a little. I started to doze off, and the phone rang. It was a teacher from my school. She shared more information with me and told me that some of our people were meeting at school the next day for a prayer session. Things were not looking good. Michelle was not doing well. I would explain that better, but I was only half listening due to a growing wave of nausea that was developing inside me. We ended our call, and I called another friend, Ann, to pass the information on.

The next morning, I woke up at 6:00 am and put the wheels in motion for an early return to San Antonio. I had already planned on that since hiking with Nicky was no longer a viable option at the park. Now, however, I wanted- no needed- to be at the school by 11:30.

Much to my amazement, almost every staff member from our school was there. I was torn between “How wonderful for us all to come together like this!” and “This is too sad. I want to escape.” It was very solemn. Our wonderful principal, Vickie Tschirhart, stood before us and told us that Michelle had no sign of brain activity. She told us another test was going to be done to see if blood was getting to her brain. She reminded us that our God is a God of miracles, and charged us to pray for a miracle right then and there. With Vickie's phone set to speaker and another placed next to Michelle's ear in the hospital, we said a prayer for recovery followed by the Catholic rosary. Afterwards, we all stood in a giant circle holding hands for the Lord's Prayer followed by listening to a beautiful song about falling into the Lord. Some of us stayed a while and talked. Eventually we all went our own ways.

I went home in a state that I can not even explain. Michelle was a wonderful kind woman. She had been my youngest son's teacher in fourth grade. I watched her become a young mother. I watched her family grow before my eyes. She was one of those rare special people that everyone loved. She had a beautiful sweet smile all the time. I am haunted by it now. I can not get the image of her smiling kindly at me out of my mind.

Life went on that afternoon and evening. The last game of the NBA finals was a good distraction. It wasn't a perfect one. Every time I got a message on my phone, I expected it to be bad news, even though I was wishing for a miracle. I went to bed that night and lay there for at least an hour trying to comprehend how this could happen to such a wonderful young wife and mother. In the morning, the news was not good. I learned that there was still no brain activity. The two young boys were going to be told about thier mother. 

I barely know Michelle's husband, Anthony. We have met. He is a very nice young man in his own right. But, I don't really know him. None the less, I can't stop feeling a kinship with him that is really affecting me perhaps more than it should. He had a wife that he loved dearly. He has two sons by her. His life seemed close to perfect, and it just disappeared in a matter of seconds when Michelle succumbed to a headache. It is so close to home for me. I, too, have a wife I love dearly, two sons by her, and a life that I feel is as close to perfect as it can be. What would I do? How would I go on? How would I continue to be a good father to my sons? I just can't even imagine what that poor dear man is going through. All I know is that there, but for the grace of God, go I!

I already apologized for the pity party. I am fully aware that this tragedy is not mine. I didn't lose a loved one. My life won't change as a result of this. I know all that. I learned a long time ago that life is for the living. I have experienced the way life goes on around us normally no matter what dire straits we find ourselves in. But knowing that doesn't help me right now. I don't have the words to explain how horrible I feel. I can tell you that my heart is breaking for Anthony and his two young sons. I can tell you that I feel like the wind has been let out of my sails,and the rug has been pulled out from under me. I can tell you that there is some strange panicky feeling inside of me that frightens me in an almost irrational way. I can tell you that I am totally confused by all of it. I have that same feeling in my gut I get on a roller coaster, and damn it! I want to get off!

I am trying to rely on my faith now. But, that is not doing it for me like it has before when I have lost loved ones. Fire took my nephew. Drowning took my young cousin. Cancer or old age took my parents, grand parents, aunts and uncles. I could understand those things as horrible as they were. But this one I don't understand. There was no accident. There was no cancer. There was no old age. How could this happen to such a young and healthy person. To be here one day and gone the next. It does not compute. It does not compute. It does not compute.

Don't worry. My faith isn't gone. It's bruised up a bit, but I am still praying over it all. I'm still asking my Lord to be with and comfort Michelle's family, friends, and the Carson community. I'm asking His help to accept what I do not, and may not ever, understand. That's all I can do. That's all anyone can do, and it just isn't enough.

Nicky's First Trip in the Colby T

I have been going crazy for weeks now trying to figure out when and where I could go for a quick trip between school getting out and my 10-night Circle Trip at the end of June and beginning of July. There just always seemed to be something to block me. The weekend that school got out, I had a prior commitment to go to Austin to hook up with my high school sweetheart and her family for lunch. I couldn't go during the week after that because I owed an extra day at work and had to present at two days of Camp Tech. Then N2S had graduation this last Friday night, and N1S was coming down to spend time with us. I couldn't, and didn't want to, leave knowing how rare of a treat it is to see him. That left this week, because next week I am going to the ISTE conference.

So, I finally settled on a date. The place was the problem then! I couldn't get into any of my close-by state parks except Blanco. I went ahead and booked a site, but really didn't want to go there. They don't have any trails, which is my favorite thing to do on a land-cruise in the Colby T. I don't know why it took me so long to remember Kerrville Schreiner, since I came here about a month ago for the same reason! Anyway, I booked a site here and canceled out Blanco.

I should also mention that the Colby T went in to get serviced WITH AN APPOINTMENT on the Monday before Memorial Day Weekend. I know the dealership is all about selling the big rigs, but I was a little upset that I didn't get mine back until twelve days later! I hadn't planned on a trip, but that is just one more reason I couldn't slip off any sooner.

Well as my trip got closer, I got to thinking about the mountain lion signs that were posted the last time I came out here. You remember, they said I shouldn't walk the trails by myself. They made me nervous, but I still walked the trails alone. I decided that this time, I would bring a friend to walk with. Of course, the only person who ever wants to go on walks with me is my dog Nicky.

Nicky had never been camping in the Colby T. There were some reasons. First of all, he acted like a neurotic idiot the time I did take him in the pop-up to Bastrop State Park. He hated being in it and did nothing but pace back and forth until he got me to take him out of it. That pop-up had about three feet of walking space and bounced with his every step. The second reason is that camping with a dog changes my "free to do whatever and whenever" abilities. I have to have, and stick to, a game plan. No spontaneous trips to a museum. No running to WalMart to buy stuff. No finding a good local restaurant for a nice hot meal. All of those things are just too hard with Nicky along. The final reason is HAIR. I was worried that the Colby T would literally be trashed by his shedding.

I decided to look past all the reasons and just go with it. I bought a few things that I needed for him like poopie pickup bags, long lasting distraction treats, and a soft-sided six pack cooler so I can carry cold water for him in my backpack on hikes. (Nicky won't drink water that gets past room temperature.) I also got his Furminator and combed out about five pounds of fur. No sense tempting every single hair on his body to become part of my land-cruise future!

Everything was all set and decided. Then I realized that I would be gone the night of what could be the last game of the NBA finals! No problem. I'll just go to a club in Kerrville and watch it---- Oh, DAMN! I can't leave Nicky alone. I already knew that there was no decent TV reception at the park from my last visit. In fact, I had to listen to a Spurs game on my phone then! There was nothing left to do but cancel Nicky's participation on this outing and risk being devoured by a mountain lion. It would be so simple. But- NO! I am just not like that. I could tell that Nicky sensed something was up. I honestly think he knew he was going somewhere. I had to do the right thing and bring him.

This morning, I got up and finished packing a few things. Then I went and bought ice and gas before going and hitching up the Colby T. I decided not to take Nicky because he would just be upset sitting in the truck wondering what I was doing. Instead, I just swung back by the house and picked him up once everything was all ready to go.

We had a totally uneventful drive over here. Nicky sat in the font seat with his doggie seat belt on. Every time I looked in his direction he gave me that big dopey smile and started banging the car door with his tail. I definitely made the right decision. He and I will listen to the game on the iPhone together. Not the biggest sacrifice anyone has ever made. Let's be real!

I looped Nicky's leash around the picnic bench while I got the camper off the hitch and all set up. I wasn't happy with the side to side leveling, but I wanted to get him inside and acclimated without making him sit too much longer in the hot sun. He hopped right in and looked around. I told him to get on the bed so I would have room to set up the galley and put everything we brought where it belonged. He isn't allowed on beds, so at first he was hesitant. Then he hopped up on there and sat and watched me do everything with that same dopey smile.

I hadn't eaten anything, so I went ahead and fixed my lunch. I microwaved a bag of Uncle Ben's Spanish Style Ready Rice for 90 seconds. Then I dumped in a pouch of Sweet Sue chicken breast. It was really good. I'm glad. Most meals on my 10-night Circle Trip will be created the same way using different varieties of the rice and either chicken or tuna. Since I hadn't hooked up any plumbing, I used the fresh water tank and filled up the sink. I threw in some Dawn and left it all to soak.

Nicky and I were now ready for our first hike of the day. I put on my hat and back pack, leashed him up, and off we went. He was really gung ho for the first half hour. I should have slowed his pace, but it didn't seem that hot to me. We stopped for water several times, but he just seemed to be getting too hot and worn out. I decided that we would cut the hike short and just do more of them. Nicky certainly didn't seem to object. Unfortunately, after we had the Colby T in sight, I realized Nicky's poop bag capsule was missing from his leash. We retraced about a quarter of a mile to the last water stop, but it wasn't there. I decided we would trace our path in reverse on our next walk and see if we could find it.

Back at the camper, I let Nicky rest a while. I checked on the refrigerator and it was still 81 degrees inside. I know it has to be fairly level to work right, I just have never been this unlevel. I went outside and dug out the BAL leveler and put it on the low side tire. I cranked it up about 4 inches off the ground before we were actually level. Within twenty minutes the fridge had gone down to 74 degrees. It cools really fast when it is level enough. Right now, only six hours later, it is down to 45 degrees. I have heard people say they pull their trailers to the house and let them cool down for days. These new ones are pretty quick. All we have in it is water and ice, so it doesn't really matter on this trip.

When I was putting the other stuff back in the basement that I had dug out getting to the

BAL leveler, I heard something that sounded like a hoof hitting a rock. Sure enough there were two small deer right behind me. This is called Deer Loop, and it seems there are always a few deer in sight. Just not always close enough to touch like this. My camera was in the camper. By the time I got to it, they were down the way. Oh well.

I let Nicky nap a little bit. While he was sleeping, I played with the TV antenna. I Know that KSAT out of San Antonio is the ABC station for Kerrville, but no matter what I did, I could not get it to come in. I twisted that antenna and reprogrammed the channels at every possible notch. NOTHING! This is another of those times when you can see the difference in wishing and hoping. I wished I could tune in KSAT for tonight's NBS finals game. I didn't hope it. Hope means that you both desire and EXPECT something to happen. I knew I didn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of tuning it in. I'm just too stubborn not to try!

Next, we headed out for our second walk of the day. It seemed cooler to me, even though it was later in the afternoon. The humidity was gone for one thing. Even Nicky seemed to stay perky a little longer. Of course, this time I made sure we were on a slower pace. We went in the reverse of our first hike until we found his poop bag capsule laying on the trail. I knew that the little plastic mock carobiner clip wasn't going to hold up. My fault for not doing something before we headed out. Anyway, we decided to take the first new trail we saw, since we had accomplished the “find it” mission. It was a nice well-covered trail that eventually fed into the original trail head area where we had started our first hike. We got back on the park road, but just like the last time I was here, there was a herd of deer off to the side ahead of us. Rather than bother them, we turned around and went the other way around the loop until we could cut through on the bathhouse trail.

Nicky jumped in the camper and slurped up all of his water before hopping on the bed and curling up for a nap. I decided to get the table and computer set up while he slept. I wrote for a while, then went ahead and fixed myself an early dinner. I have been chomping at the bit to try the powdered eggs I bought on Amazon. It is a two pound can which is incredibly huge. I had imagined something much smaller. Anyway, you just mix two tablespoons of powder with water and scramble. I actually just mixed them in a paper bowl and nuked for two minutes. They are good enough for me! I plan to eat them on tortillas with bacon jerky every morning for breakfast. (You should try bacon jerky. It is like precooked thick-sliced bacon. I put it in the microwave for a minute and it crisps up as if I just fried it in a skillet!) The real meal, was a pouch of Zesty Lentils and Peas by a company called Tasty Bite. They are fully cooked “brown lentils, yellow and green peas flavored with red peppers, coriander, and cumin”. I love them and started eating them a few months ago. I poured in a tiny pouch of tuna. It was awesome. I had a nice cup of coffee with it. I got a free coupon for a 12-pack of Cafe Ole K Cups (my local grocer HEB's own brand). I bought the San Antonio box, not realizing it was flavored. Much to my surprise, I actually like it. It is lightly flavored with a mix of cinnamon and vanilla. It tastes like my coffee after dunking my mom's snickerdoodles in it.

I washed up all the lunch and dinner dishes, and we went for our final walk of the day. We skipped the trails and just took the road around the park, or about half of it. It was cooler, and Nicky didn't seem to mind walking on the road. I kept pulling him into the grass, but he went right back on the pavement. We stopped at the nicest little picnic area and drank the rest of our cold water under a huge oak tree. While we were there, five deer walked down the road on the opposite side. Nicky was so tuckered out, that he just watched them go. Not a peep! He hasn't barked at anything or anyone this whole trip. So different from the pop-up trip.

Now, Nicky is resting again. I'm finishing up the latest on here and getting ready to do a tidying up before settling in to listen to the Spurs.

9:08 PM

Well it is a quiet and comfortable evening. Nicky is really doing a great job in the camper. Of course, he did spill his food all over the place when he was excited about going out. Of course, he has knocked the box fan over a few times. Of course, his tail has been dangerous in this confined area. But, all in all, he is doing well. He seems completely at home- no signs of his pop-up neurosis. I think the fact that we are not in a tent-top makes a difference. He doesn't hear every little thing outside. Also, we don't have any neighbors close to us. There are only about 6 of us here. The rest of them are way down at the other end of the Deer Loop.

I am listening to the game on ESPN. I couldn't find it on any other channel. Man is it one sided. They keep talking about what the Heat needs to do. It doesn't matter what happens. Green hits a three. Instead of saying something nice about that, they say, “Miami needs to find a solution to Green.” So far, it has been a really close game. San Antonio just took the lead again. Of course, it only matters who is leading in the 4^th.

11:06 PM

What a game! They are in overtime right now with the Heat leading by one point. I honestly think it is more exciting when you listen to the radio. I sooooo want us to win tonight. I can't take another game whether we lose or not!!! Wow... Some Miami fan just threw his shirt on the floor. Moron! Okay... Let's see what happens. 40 seconds left to go in this overtime. Damn! We lost the ball and made a foul. Then we stopped Miami. But we missed our shot and committed a foul. Now they are up 3. We have to get a 3 for a second overtime. I'm gonna puke! Green has the ball. He shoots a 3- but misses! Okay... Miami wins. I have said all along I thought we would take it in 7. I hope I am right. Going to bed!!!!!

Wednesday, 11:24 AM

We woke up right at 6:00 AM this morning. I put a k-cup in the Keurig, then put Nicky's leash on him and walked him around the site so he could do his business. It was just getting light enough for us to see. As soon as he was ready, I took him back in and started my breakfast. Today I had two carb reduced tortillas with bacon jerky and scrambled powedered eggs. It was great!

I quickly dressed and got the back pack loaded with cold water so we could get onto our extra long morning hike before it got hot. We walked on part of all of the trails. Because the sun was low, it couldn't reach the trail surfaces, so Nicky was able to hike the full five-mile route I had preselected. We stopped about 5 times so he could drink water. There was a woman by herself on one of the trails and another woman and her dog on a different one. We saw some deer, about 15 jack rabbits, about 4 little cotton-tailed bunnies, some huge spiders on webs over the trail, and one really ugly black lizard in a tree. The entire hike lasted about 2 hours. When I checked my LINK, I had already done 11,000 steps, burned 1900 calories, and been credited with 2 hours and 11 minutes of moderate activity by 9:00 am! Yesterday, I set a record amount of calories burned since putting the LINK on my arm. I burned 4204 calories and only ate 1360. I might be on track to break that record today. I already have 2252 burned calories at 11:38 am. Because of the heat, we will only take short hikes, but I expect to get about 3 more in before we call it a day.

Anyway, we are back in the Colby T right now resting from a second hike we took before lunch. The park workers were mowing the grass around us, and it sounded like they were under the camper. I decided we were rested enough to go for a quick walk. It was still fairly cool on the trails, but I could tell that Nicky was feeling the heat.

When we got back, I cooked my lunch, a pouch of Knorr Taco Rice with a pouch of Sweet Sue chicken breast. It was really good! It makes me excited about my 10-night Circle Trip, because I know exactly what I need to take for meals!

Nicky is sound asleep right now, so we will have a break until about 12:30. Then it is off on the trails again.

5:50 PM

Well that was depressing. I got everything ready for a hike. Nicky was all excited. We went outside and took a few steps, and I noticed that he was limping. I watched him walk for about 20 feet and realized he was limping on all four legs. I guess he overdid it on the trails. I know my feet are sore. I just never gave it a thought that his might be, too. Totally my fault for taking him on about 14 miles of trails in two days. Anyway, we came back in the camper and spent the afternoon watching TV judge shows and napping. I'm glad we got that five miler in this morning. 

Oh, wow! I have a nice view of some deer out the emergency window of the Colby T. I'm glad nobody is camping in the sites across the street. (Unfortuanetly, the screen messed up most of the photos.)

I'm going to get the TV stowed tonight and move some things like the ice chest to the truck ready to go. Then I will move the cocktail hour up a bit and drink a few shots of Jim Beam while I read. We'll go to bed early and get an early start tomorrow.

9:00 PM

Well my night got messed up. I checked my email and saw that one of my teachers was in intensive care from a complication resulting from minor surgery of some kind. I barely had time to roll it around in my head, when the phone rang. Another teacher was getting ahold of me to let me know that the teacher was in a coma, it was really serious, and there would be a prayer meeting at school tomorrow. I passed the word on to my newly retired friend, Ann Cameron, because I wasn't sure who would contact her, and I knew she no longer gets school emails. It was a pretty depressing rest of the night. I tried to read, but I couldn't get it off my mind.

I know this is nothing, in light of my poor comrade, but I got bitten by something on Tuesday during our first hike. I thought it was a mosquito or something. All I had was an itch. That itch kept coming and going, but I didn't pay much attention to it. I learned long ago to ignore those types of things. One tiny rub and the itch gets worse. At about 7:00 tonight, I noticed that the bite, which was itching like CRAZY was really swollen. When I touched it, it was a hard solid lump about as round as a half dollar. I put some stuff on it, but it only relieved the itch for about twenty minutes. Anyway, now that I am trying to get to bed, it is so itchy I can't sleep.

Thursday, 3:50 PM

Woke up at 6:00 AM and took Nicky out. Came in and had breakfast just like yesterday. Then I started getting ready to tow the Colby T home. I wanted to be back in San Antonio in time to shower and get to the prayer session. I gave Nicky the second “busy bone” that I brought for him and he stayed out of the way and let me get it all done. We were ready to go by 7:50. Nice easy trip home. Nicky sat nicely in the truck at Packrats while I unhitched and all. There's really nothing else to talk about.

My next trip is a biggie. I will be going on a 10-night Circle trip, spending two nights at each of 5 State Parks. Until then, happy trails!