Monkey Butt

Yes, I know. Monkey butt is an odd title for a post. Just the same, it is a phrase you might want to remember the next time you get stuck in a loop when calling a support line or some other automated phone system.

Listen in as I show you what used to happen during a typical call to a help desk. I will use the McFlybinyte computer company... Here goes. I am dialing the number. It is ringing... Still ringing...

Machine: Thanks for calling the McFlybinyte help desk. For english, press or say 1. Para espanol, oprima 2.
Me: One.
Machine: To provide you with better support all or part of this call may be recorded for training purposes. Please listen to all of the choices on our menu as we have recently changed it just to annoy the hell out of you. For questions about installed software, press or say 1. For problems with your hardware, press or say 2. For assistance with setting up your new computer, press or say 3. To order missing parts, press or say 4. To find a McFlybinyte location near you, press or say 5. To hear this menu again, press or say 6.
Me: Four.
Machine: If the part was missing when you opened the carton containing your new computer, press or say 1. If the part used to be there, but has suddenly gone missing...
Me: One.
Machine: At the tone, please say the name of the missing part. BEEP.
Me: Keyboard.
Machine: Did you say, "monitor"?
Me: No.
Machine: Did you say, "printer cable"?
Me: No.
Machine: I'm sorry. I'm having trouble understanding what part you are missing. At the tone, please say the name of the missing part. BEEP.
Me: Keyboard.
Machine: Did you say, "scanner"?
Me: No.
Machine: Did you say, "floppy drive"?
Me: No.
Machine: I'm sorry. I'm having trouble understanding what part you are missing. At the tone, please say the name of the missing part. BEEP.
Me: Damn it, this is stupid!
Machine: Did you say, "hard drive"?
Me: No. Damn it!
Machine: Did you say, "mouse"?
Me: NO!!!!
Machine: I'm sorry. I seem to have trouble understanding your input. Please hold while I find someone who can help you. RING... RING... RING...
Voice on the line: Hello, this is Johnny. I am ready to help you with your problem. Please tell me your name and phone number.

Now, listen again as I demonstrate the use of the phrase "monkey butt":

I will use the McFlybinyte computer company help desk again... Here goes. I am dialing the number. It is ringing...
Machine: Thanks for calling the McFlybinyte help desk. For english, press or say 1. Para espanol, oprima 2.
Me: Monkey Butt.
Machine: I'm sorry. I did not understand you. For english, press or say 1. Para espanol, oprima 2.
Me: Monkey Butt.
Machine: I'm sorry. I seem to have trouble understanding your input. Please hold while I find someone who can help you. RING... RING... RING...
Voice on the line: Hello, this is Johnny. I am ready to help you with your problem. Please tell me your name and phone number.
Me: Jim, 555-5555.
Johnny: Thanks, Jim. How can I help you today?
Me: Well, Johnny, I didn't get a keyboard with my new computer.

This method works everytime. The companies all have this built in. Give it a try. Besides, it's just plain fun to say MONKEY BUTT!

Sexist Sex Educators

Wow. Five months after setting this blog up, I finally have something to say. The last thing I wrote was so angry that I just deleted it. This time? I'm not really angry. I'm just a little annoyed by the double-standard atmosphere in the female dominated world of public education.

I am the computer dude for an elementary school. I train everyone and do some trouble shooting. For a long while, it seemed that I was in charge of anything that ran off electricity. Believe me, that is no complaint. I absolutely love my job.

The problem from which this post gets its name is a one time thing. I don't generally walk around upset that women now dominate the world of public education. Heck, I don't usually even think about that. Last Friday, however, it was time for the 5th graders at my school to see "THE FILM". My son brought home a permission slip for "THE FILM" which also invited me to go to some parent screenings, if I was concerned about the content. I wasn't all that concerned. It also invited parents to come see "THE FILM" with our children to which my son gave a hearty "Hell no!" without actually using those words. He was especially insulted by the suggestion that his mother could even consider being on the planet the same day he saw "THE FILM".

Anyway, the 5th grade girls were ushered into the library first and sequestered in a private nook. The library doors were locked to prevent any uninvited people entering. I saw through the window that there were three school nurses (two were visiting to assist with "THE FILM") and about four mothers in there. The male library assistant, who would have been working in an entirely different area of the library, was asked to leave as the girls "would not be comfortable with a male present".

After the girls cleared out, the 5th grade boys were ushered into the same area. I saw through the window that the same three FEMALE nurses and one of the mothers were still there. The mother did not even have a 5th grade son. I wondered to myself why the boys were not provided the same courtesy as was given the girls. Was it not possible that they "would not be comfortable with a [fe]male present"? Is there some research to back prove boys don't care? Based on my son's reaction to even the possibility that his mother would be there, I think boys do care. For instance, how many ten or eleven-year-old boys will ask a strange woman questions like, "Why does my penis get hard?"

I mentioned it to the vice principal. She smirked at me in a most unprofessional way and told me to "Get over it. We live in a sexist world." Yes. I know. BUT! Aren't we all trying to put an end to that? It's like the teacher who a few years back had a life-size picture of Ricky Martin in her room that she frequently made suggestive remarks about. Funny. What do you think would happen if a male teacher did the same thing with a life-size Brittany Spears? Do you think the women on the staff would go for that? I think not.