Mistakes, I've made a few...: SparkPeople Series #4

Mistakes, I've made a few... (January 21, 2009)

Boy have I made some dieting mistakes in my life! The first would have been sneaking my mother's Ayds weight reducing candies. Someone called me fat at school. Mom was using Ayds on her diet plan. I stole several of them and ate them. I don't remember getting sick. I probably did. I do remember Mom beating me within a fraction of my life and sending me to my room. (For you young people, loving parents used to smack us a bit back in the day. If it was as bad as they say now, I wonder why so many of us survived it to become happy and seemingly well adjusted.)

Flash to adulthood and the mistakes started piling up big time. I remember being on a first year teacher's salary in Waeldar, Texas, bringing home less than $600 a month in the early 1980s. Just the same, I was paying around $20 each for cans of Cambridge Diet powders. I started with the chocolate. Then I learned about the soup one. I can't remember what it was called. I think it was some kind of cream of chicken or something like that. It tasted horrible to me, so I started adding some seasonings to it. Then I got to thinking how good it would be with some grated cheddar cheese on top. Well, one thing led to another and I was eventually enjoying chunks of chicken, crackers, cheese, and whatever else I had in the house with that $20 soup base. I actually started to gain weight on that stuff!

Then a few years later, I moved to San Antonio. I found SlimFast at the grocery store for a whole lot less than that Cambridge Diet powder. I also found Alba, the instant and very low-cal milkshake powders. I started combining SlimFast with Alba. Then I added a banana. Then I wanted a more chocolaty taste, so a few squirts of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup started making their way in to the mix. I think, by the time I gave that one up, I was adding a scope or two of ice cream. Yes. I gained weight that time, too.

I moved right into my next brainstorm... POPCORN! I could buy those huge bags of already popped popcorn that people would buy to sell at carnivals and concession stands. I had a small bowl or two in the evenings. Pretty soon, I was buying two of those huge bags each week and eating HUGE bowls of it all evening long. Between the buttery flavoring and the salt that made me retain water, I gained weight on that one for sure.

Then I got married. Eating with a spouse is a major adjustment. You don't skip as many meals and suddenly find that you've blimped up. I started waking up in agony every morning. My back was killing me, but as soon as I got out of bed, the pain was gone. I went to the doctor and she said, "Of course your back hurts! You're too fat!" Then she put me on a diet like Oprah's. It had a different name though. I can't remember which of us was on which one. They were called Optifast and Medifast. Mine cut me down to an extremely low calorie level. I couldn't eat anything besides the horrible tasting shakes and bouillon. I dropped weight so fast people thought I had cancer or something. Then I got a call from the doctor's office. They basically said, "Stop, drop, and get your butt in here!" You had to have weekly blood drawn on that diet. That particular day, the doctor didn't like the results. All of my levels were totally out of whack. I remember her nurse hooking me up to an IV and saying, "Wow, that was a close one!" The doctor took away my diet, and I gained all that weight back the next day. Okay, not really the next day. I was seeing if you were paying attention! It took a few months. Unfortunately, it is all well documented in photos for the world to see. My first child (You know... the one you take pictures of.) was born shortly before the diet. The photos of me holding him during the first 6 months will break your heart. I get progressively bigger.

Next came carrots. They started selling those prepeeled and washed baby carrots at the grocery stores. I liked them. I liked them a lot. Whenever I was hungry, which was often, I would go get a small bowl of them and munch away. I started eating more and more of them. Then just about the point where I was buying two five pound bags per week, my wife said, "Your nose is orange. What did you get into?" Sure enough, when I looked in the mirror there was a very obvious orange tinge to my nose and ears. I gave carrots up cold turkey. I don't think I gained any weight during that disaster, but I did have gas a lot.

Fiber was a fun one too. I decided I needed more fiber in my diet. I think I was on some kind of plan. I can't remember. Anyway, I bought some high-fiber cereal at the store that was shaped like square Cheerios. I can't recall the name. It tasted more like oatmeal cookies to me than cereal. I also bought my first box of Fiber One. I ate so much of them that first day, that the fiber completely plugged me up, the exact opposite of what I was expecting it to do. Now, I'm going to give you too much information again. Skip on down, if you can't take it. The process of finally passing all that fiber rubbed my butt so raw I couldn't even wipe for the pain. Sitting was uncomfortable. I was a little panicked. I knew I could never go to the doctor, bend over, drop trow', and say, "Hey, Doc. Check this out!"

Okay... Even I'm bored now. I'm going to finish with one last one even though that means skipping my experiences with several other fads and diets including the Atkins diet. This last disaster took place at Weight Watchers. It was the beginning of my second year there. I was down about 60 pounds. I may have gained a little back already. Weight Watchers introduced the Core Plan with great fanfare. It was a list of foods that you were allowed to eat as much as you wanted to feel satisfied. Yeah, right Weight Watchers! That was what I had been doing my whole frapping life! I saw avocados on that list and went hog wild. I ate avocados with every meal. Some days, I just stood at the sink cutting them in half, pulling out the seed, sprinkling them with salt, and eating them with a spoon. I must have eaten at least 5 a day! Add that to the other things like brown rice that I just loved eating, and before you know it, I was gaining back every pound I had lost. I went right back to counting points, but the damage was done. I never did it honestly after that. I pretty much created my own system for recording points which had nothing to do with what I was really eating. Portion control? Nope... didn't worry about that anymore.

So you see, I can truthfully tell you that I have tried many different approaches to losing weight. Somehow, however, I sabbotaged every last one of them in some way or another. I pray that this time, I will be more honest with myself, and stand out of my own way. I think it will happen. It has to happen. I don't want to lay dead on the floor like my mother until I am at least as old as she was when she died.