The Mystery of the Rings

If you have read my blogs, you know that my mother died in August of 2008. Dad and I drove over to the funeral home and made arrangements for her to be cremated. The funeral home promised to give us her wedding ring when I picked up her ashes a week or so later, a task that, for me, was the most traumatic part of that entire time.

I asked two of my best buddies, Mike and Jack, to go with me to get the ashes. It was something I really dreaded doing. I can't explain that in any rational way. All I can say is that it made everything so final, and I wasn't ready for it. I was still expecting to wake up from the nightmare and talk to Mom on the phone or something.

We drove over in my van. Even though I was a basket case on the inside, I needed to feel in control. By driving us over, I kept control of the situation in a small way. I know it all sounds crazy, but at times like that, I truly believe we are all prone to craziness. It helps us deal with things that make us really uncomfortable.

When we got to the funeral home, we sat there for a few minutes while the girl who was working that day went looking for the ashes. We didn't say much. I was too close to tears to choke out anything. I really felt like a major breakdown was coming, and believe me when I say that I didn't care. Mike and Jack are close enough to me that I would not be embarrassed to break down in front of them. However, it simply wasn't to be. When the girl handed me the container of Mom's ashes, I was totally not expecting it to weigh so much and nearly dropped it. I said, "Man, I knew Mom was a big woman, but this is ridiculous!" or some equally horrible comment. We all had an inappropriate laugh that really got me through the whole event.

I asked the lady for Mom's ring, but she said it was in the safe, and she did not have access to it. They could mail it, or I could come by later and pick it up. In the end, Dad and Ray, my brother in love (my sister's live-in boyfriend), picked it up a few weeks later. When I saw it, I was totally baffled. The ring was either white gold or platinum. I would have sworn that Mom's ring was yellow gold. I had thoughts of the funeral home pulling a switcheroo, but Dad said Mom had always worn that ring.

In December, my sister, Patti, came. Dad told her that she could have the ring. She asked me if I wanted it, but I said I didn't. I wanted my mother's original wedding ring, that she wore when I was a little kid. I remembered a white gold or silver ring with a tiny diamond and several smaller diamond areas that were really just designs in the metal and a matching wedding band. Patti said she didn't remember any such thing. Dad said flat out that no such rings ever existed, but I was convinced that my memories were the best. Patti and I searched all of Mom's jewelry boxes to no avail. The rings were either hidden away out of reach, or Patti and Dad were right- I was remembering something that did not exist.

About two weeks ago, Dad was in the hospital with some heart problems. He asked me to find his Living Will and Advanced Directive. He thought it was in his file cabinet in his house, not the safe deposit box at the bank, so I took a look after calling Patti for help finding a key. I found Mom's living will, but not Dad's. However, within one minute of searching, I found Mom's original wedding band/engagement ring set AND the equally non-existing gold wedding band.

I took the original ring set. After all, Dad had said that I could have it, if I could find it. I ran straight to James Avery and bought a really nice neck chain, put the rings on it, and slipped it and the rings round my neck. They have been there ever since.

Now the mystery of the rings comes into play. When did Mom change from her yellow gold band to the one that is either white gold or platinum? I asked her best friend, Jan, but she doesn't know anything about it. She mentioned that she thought it was possible that Mom bought it on the sly to avoid my Dad's "ranting and raving". It is true that Mom did that a lot. Rather than mention new curtains, etc., Mom just got them. Dad never noticed and didn't complain about her spending all his money.

Maybe Mom bought the ring for herself as a Christmas gift. She and Dad always bought their own gifts, wrapped them up, and let the other person open them. Did Dad just forget? Or, did she buy the new wring as a gift for her 50th wedding anniversary? I don't remember hearing about any gift Dad bought for her.

Unfortunately, I may never know the answer to this mystery. The only people who would know anything, have already been asked. I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with knowing that my memory of Mom's rings seems to be better than everyone else's. Still, I wonder...